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Saturday, April 4, 2009

by lee hyori.

oh my goshhh hello, you beautiful people who i love so so so dearly.
i just want to hug you all!
hmm i don't really know what to say, there's just this FEELING of restlessness. i really want to spend time with people that are effortless to be around. so my heart aches for my amoeba x.x
maybe i should just be totally honest. hmm...
1. i want to drop great books because i really hate how much work it is. i dont know if its even worth it anymore, ugh. but i already took 2 classes out of 4! so to drop it now would make me behind on my academic plan
2. sometimes i wish i was going to usc or ucla... i imagine getting to see timothy or ashton every day and i wish i could... i can totally imagine me and ashton getting into 'fights' where we disagree, but we would have so much fun too! i just wanna be me. with eiichiro and jihan and them, i am too boyish to hang out with the girls, and too girl to hang out with the boys so i'm in a strange in-between. at church too! i am away too much to be 'in' but back enough to not really be missed too much. at the garden church i am familiar enough to not be treated with a lot of attention like a newcomer, but still not... 'in'. i am a floater and it sucks. it causes a lot of anxiety. i know that if i neglect to talk to an amoeba member for a while, we'd still be friends and itd take a lot for us NOT to be friends. but with all these other groups, i have to try really hard to maintain a friendship.
3. who am i? where is my life going?
4. i still really dont like white people. i really dont know what it is. maybe it is their general lack of proper-ness and grace. but its especially white boys. i cant relate on ANY level! to me they just seem ... retarded. okay, there is one (and a half) white guy(s) that i consider myself friends with. but a lot of times i wish i just went to uci where i can be with all the other asians. i know diversity is supposed to be good for me but i dont really like it.
5. i freaking hate sharing answers with people, especially on study guides for tests. i worked hard to make it, and then someone is going to leech off me because they were too darn lazy to do it themselves. so i say no when someone asks me to see my lists. THATS RIGHT. NO.
6. i am so scared of studying abroad its not even funny. I AM SO SCARED. everything can go wrong, and i cant escape home! i dont want to be away from calvin or my family, and i dont want to face the expectation for me to know chinese just because i look like one... i worry about it all the time even though its months away

i'm going to cry if i keep going like this. i think its time for a change - i'm going to be honest, but not like... deep-feelings-from-deep-in-my-heart honest

7. i'm sad that the korean drama i was watching is finished now! but i guess i will have 2 extra hours of free time now... x]
8. there was mexican food in the cafeteria every day this week. i am so frustrated with the caf its not even funny. i'm starting to know what estevan feels. im hungry but i dont want to eat anything here!!!
9. ONLY 3 MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL! I WILL BE GOING TO CERRITOS COLLEGE AND HOPEFULLY WORKING THIS SUMMER! its the normal college experience! i am excited about it!
10. i buy too much fobby stuff on ebay, so much so that i told calvin that i wont let myself buy anything this week, and from now on i have to get his approval to buy things. this way no more impulse buys! (but everything ive gotten so far has been an excellent deal!)

can we please hang out so much this summer? like... a LOT? maybe we can take that weekend vacation we talked about at the end of snr yr!

Labels: Kristen

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